Do you remember any incomplete conversation that you wish you had a chance to complete? Have you witnessed your mind struggling between ‘I wish I had’ or ‘I wish I hadn’t’?
Few months back:
I had got my first job. I wanted my father to be the first person to know about it. Though I was standing still with phone in my hand, my heart was dancing on the beats of ‘Happy’ (by Pharrell Williams). I was expecting him to pass a virtual hi-fi after hearing the news. Instead, I couldn’t sense even a pinch of happiness in his voice. .
Dad: So you are not coming home?
Me: I can’t. The joining date is day after tomorrow.
Dad: So you are not going to study further?
Me: I will. I have plans to pursue my master degree next year. Dad….
“Your daughter is not going to study anymore”, he said, passing the phone to my mom. The call got disconnected, after a few minutes of dead silence on the other end. How would you feel when you realize that your father is not happy on your success? Bizarre!! I was disheartened. My mind was apprehended with shrieks of anger. In that belligerence, I decided that I will not talk to him till the day, he asks me to talk.
After 25 days, my sister called me to inform that dad was admitted in hospital. He was suffering from Chronic liver disease. The infection had spread throughout his body. It had hit the brain, resulting in partial memory loss. Five days that I spent outside I.C.U, reminded me of the last 20 years I had spent with him. My hopes fluctuated with every rise and fall of his chest. Those nights were nightmares for me. Every morning, I thanked god for not turning it into reality.
In the morning of the sixth day, I lost him.
A week later:
I was sitting in the lawn with my mom and aunt. Breaking the silence, my aunt muttered that dad was aware of his deteriorating condition. He knew that he had very less days left to live. She also mentioned that he was extremely happy of my success and had even offered sweets to a few close relatives. In his last days of life, all he wanted was to stay close to his family. And, that was the reason he had asked me to come home.
That incomplete conversation with my dad was the last conversation I had with him.
If I had a chance to complete it, maybe I would have done it in this way:
“Dad, you spent your entire life fulfilling our wishes. Every time you looked at me, I could see a ray of hope in those idyllic eyes. You are my inspiration. I admire your loyalty and determination. With time, primping and clothing will change my appearance but my soul will remain intact with the lessons you have taught. I know you miss me. I miss you too dad. That’s why I have taken this decision. It’s time for you to take a break and make wishes. I love you dad. I promise to come home soon. ”
He taught me: Don’t try to escape reality. Live them. Create memories and laugh at them when you grow old.